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[11 Mar 2021|09:36pm]

new livejournal account.

add me.

now!!!!!

 

_allheart
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[11 Mar 2020|05:26pm]
So I was thinking, and wow, I have changed so much since last year.
I mean it's like as soon as I got to 8th grade I changed so much, I went from being like "I love rap and eminem" to.. well.. bright eyes, thursday and brand new.. and stuff. I mean it's like I'm just changing so much and I don't really know why. My taste in everything has changed.. last year I thought I was being me and it turns out I wasn't. I was putting a facade in front of me to make me seem like someone else. The friends I used to hang out with have completley changed.. my style, my everything, even my attitude. I don't know how it really changed.

I kind of like who I am now. I mean.. I just don't give a shit what people think.. I mean well I do.. but not as much as I did last year, last year I would always have to match always have to everything and this year.. it doesn't matter that much too me.. it's nice, but also.. it's kind of diffrent.

Last year I was always into a certain type of things.. then 8th grade comes along.. and it's like I'm this diffrent person.. each year I change, from 6th to 7th to 8th. I mean really.. is it just me or did I change?

Am I really me? or am I just thinking that once again I am being me? Come to think of it.. I don't even know the real me.. and that just scares me.. I mean, going through your day.. every day, like.. not me. Agh I can't get my point across and I'm just being repetative...

Today I was in the car with my mom and we had a weird conversation;
Me: I feel like such a bagel..
Mom: You don't look like one.
Me: Huh?
Mom: you said you felt like a bagel!!!

Aw Louisa.. my mom was telling me how she got that thing that we broke... do you know that she stole it from a frat party in high school.. lol she was telling me about how she got drunk and thought it was a garbage can so her and her friends took it then in the morning they were like.. oh holy shit.. I found that really funny.

Okay so I am making my livejournal.. my new one... later today. Wee. I love this one, I guess I will miss it.. I will update later with the new name.. it'll be friends only.
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[10 Mar 2020|04:09pm]
I've been having massive deja-vu these past couple of days. It is getting so annoying, because I know that I have done this all before I just don't know when. I can't remember where it's from, but, something is telling me that I know what's going to happen next.. I don't know if it's good or bad but I don't really want to find out.

Life is getting so scary.. I feel like curling up, and for some reason my heart hurts, I mean it doesn't hurt but it feels as if someone is pulling on it. As if I just can't breath.. or get out of this place I don't know. I wont go, I wont sleep.. I have to just stop... agh this feeling hurts so much, and somthing, and everythin I do is deja vu.. I mean, I'll be sitting at my computer and bam, this feeling that I've done this all before. Everything.

Agh.

I just don't know.
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[18 Mar 2019|06:00pm]
Is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with.

Okay, so I love computers, it's almost as if my computers have adapted to me and my habits, but when that habit is broken, somthing like the internet breaks down. My AIM isn't working. Why? Who knows, whatever the reason, it's being blamed on me. I swear it's like my mother is turning into my father. Rather annoying don't you think? I think this because, well, my dad is always telling me to go fix the computer and if I can't it's my fault, my brother and sisters yell at me. One time Tara flipped out at me for somthing, it wasn't even my fault. You know, my love for computers is turning into hate. It's true you know, there's a thin line between love and hate.

I stopped sitting at the guys table today because I just think my "work" there is done. I mean, I just tryed to show them some fun, but, now I have no need to.. because.. they don't really have fun. I mean I tried to give them another persepective of me and girls, but I don't think it worked, so I'm moving on to my next spot. I'm sure the guys wont mind. I don't really contribute very much. Plus I think some people just hated me sitting there.

My mom read my livejournal. Tell me; how much does that suck?

It was when I was angry at her, and it said that I hated her? Well I didn't mean it which was why I deleted it, but before I knew that she had read it. I don't think my mother understands really how much this whole livejournal thing is to me. I mean, I get payed for what I do. I am getting graded for what I do. I mean, this is preparing me for constructive critism. I have other things in my life, and that's why my computer is my escape, just to get things off my mind. The computer is it's own world. I'm part of that world. I don't contribute much to this world, but atleast in computer land, I do somthing. I wish I was as smart as a computer. Woah. I Would love me if I was. I really wish my mother could understand how much this is part of my life. I think she just thinks it's a "faze" but, that's the livejournal part of it. A few months ago, I was doing the same thing, just grpahics though. Now I'm doing Graphics, and CSS, and all other sorts of things. I mean, who knows what's next. It just keeps going and going. I'm not being anti social. I talk to, and meet people through livejournal. Which is enough for me. So I may be a little anti-social with my family at times, but the only thing they do is make me look down on myself, read about that 2 entries down. '

I love my mom to peices, but she doesn't understand.. she's great, but this is so much more then what she makes it out to be.

It's my life.

It's money. Even Conor said I was good at it. He said I was really good at it. I haven't even done what I'm capable of because no one will give me a chance.. and I have a great lack of creativity. Ugh, I wish I was creative, as Julianne (greenxeyes aka my idol.) said; "If creativity came in a bottle.. I would drink it alll dayy lonngg."
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[07 Mar 2019|08:34pm]
I had alot of fun today. The beginning sucked, then I went to brookdale park with Melissa Louisa Emily Sarah Sofija & Michelle, we played pathetically attemted at playing soccer. Then we met up with Clare Colton, I haven't seen her in a really long time. We went to holistens and pigged out. It was rather good. Then we went to clares house and watched just married, and newly weds, I kept confusing the 2.

I love my friends, today was diffrent, it was so much nicer then the usual go-to-the-movies, or sit at home on the computer days. Which was nice. I say next week, we go on a picnic, on the little island by holstens.. seriously, that would be really cool. Ha. Wow, I haven't had this much fun in such a long time, it's a nice way to start of a week of dreadful testing.

Pray for me. If I don't do good I cant go to MHS.

<#
Kitty.
3 comments|post comment

[07 Mar 2019|11:48am]
[ mood | amused ]

I haven't updated in a while.
I mean, I've updated but not with anything important.

So, not that my life is necessarily important, but you know, I guess, I mean, just, how I feel? I don't know, I should just stop talking.

I didn't do anything last night, I was really bored, no one was able to come over. My dad had his girlfriend over, she's nice, but, I don't know. Her dog came over, I hung out with him. Doggeh is so cute. I want to bring the doggeh with me to the picnic today.

I'm so glad that we're going on our 8th grade trip to pocono valley, somthing diffrent, because our 8th grade is diffrent. I mean, I don't know. I don't necessarily know what I mean about anything anymore. I'm working on a new layout, I just feel as if somthing is missing, can anyone help me? the link is here.

I had a weird night last night, I was on the phone with Shayna.. I want her to see Dan.. I think that they are so perfect together even though I have only met Dan once, and he thought I was rather.. shall I say physcotic? Yes. I will say that.

I finished, We finished, our godfair project, it was really easy, and I really can't wait until we play the game with little people. We get to eat candeh.

Sofija: "It's a project that we have to do for church and then we bring it to a fair and god comes and grades us and gives us candy.. if we're lucky.. he brings jesus."

Haha that was mad funny. I love her. Anyway, so we did our whole project in pink, and in the coolest font, of course, we could've only done it oh so niceley at my house, why? because I rock my own socks.

Me and my mom got in a fight, I have a huge bruise on my arm, it was my fault for overreacting and pushing her to the limit. Latley I've had no control over myself, because I just don't know what control is, I'm letting everything that I do revolve around the happenings of September. How long will I try, to seperate my life? I don't really think it's fair what he did to me, and I know that I shouldn't let my whole life revolve around it, but I always do. I never let older people get away with anything at all anymore, because in my mind it's not about that anymore.

This is the deal, I feel like everything is missing from everything, there's a part of me that never says anything is complete. That's probably why this entry might last a little while?

Ariel I hate you! You got me into spontaneously putting "?"'s all over the place. I keep turning back to things I want to get away from.

The other night my sister was talking to me about how I isolate myself from the rest of the family, I told her it was because the only thing that ever happens is that I'm made fun of, why would I want to go to that?

She told me that the family doesn't know me. That they don't know who there own sister is... whenever I try to get to know them they shut me down, why would I want to go to that. I love my family to peices, but they don't acknowledge me as being part of their family. They say it's because I'm never around, but take family vacations. They ignore me.. if I laugh at their jokes, I'm made fun of, or I'm just ignored. They will be gone soon. I hate the thought of it, but they will, so I have to get used to being an "only child". That thought makes me want to cry. It really really does. I mean, in a way I like the making fun of, I mean, I hate it.. but it's somthing? somthing is always better then nothing I guess.

I understand that my family doesn't know me. To be honest at this point in my life I don't want them to know me. I don't want to know me. The only thing I ever do is well.. complain? Complain. I do what I have to do. I hate this. No, I love this.

This weekend is a preview of my last 3 years, of highschool.. except my parents are probably going to have more work, so my mom will have her job full time, and my dad will just find no need to be home any more, he barley does now, with 4 kids in the house... so with 1. I guess he will be with his girlfriend more often? Whatever.

I'm on the highway to hell. Literally, I'm on the way, to hell.

Help.

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[06 Mar 2019|04:43pm]
hahaCollapse )
4 comments|post comment

[05 Mar 2018|08:00pm]
I'm in a really horrible mood. Like I really want someone to die right now.

I'm so bored. Today was awsome, I love my friends. I love Charliy borwns, I love everyone. It was the funnest time that I have had in a while which was nice. Especially considering I haven't had fun in a while. Gotta go.
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[04 Mar 2018|02:42pm]
[ mood | normal ]

I love this song, it rocks.
I hate how much prettier April is, it's really making me... like, depressed. Ugh.

Today fucking sucked. It was normal, which means.. it sucked, I can't wait until I get my new name. I can't stand people who have friend only journals, especially when I don't know them. Because then I want to read there life because I'm nosey, except I don't because they don't know me. Haha, yeah, I'm a geek. I love my new layout, I'm so proud of myself for making the pic, well I mean I got the pic of the girl online, then I just made it all black and white and made her hair pink, and added the swirly crap. Love it, right?

The pink represents the innocence of the girl, but she's confused because she doesn't know what she's doing, she's so confused, why is everyone blaming her for shit she didn't do.

Anyway, I'm making a new layout, Shayna gave me the idea. Okay. Out.

I need a beer.

7 comments|post comment

[03 Mar 2018|07:58pm]
Keep you're feet on the ground.
I wore a skirt today, big mistake, I looked so bad, I just wanted to cry.

I think I'm grounded again?

Me and my mom got in a fight about my weight. I don't know, I don't think I'm that fat, am I? Whatever. Okay, I love my new layout.. the scrollbar rocks my socks. Lol, woah I'm corny. Haha. So, I really like this kid, he "liked" me, then stopped, when I did like him to.. what happened? What changed?

Whatever.

One tree hill last night was awsome. Hilarious.

I have nothing really to say, but I think that I need some more comments... so, comment. Lol, heart.

I hate fliph, and flipv, I just realized that.

I love Rate_my_lj.

Is it just me, or are the dates in my journal really screwed?

Still need help on my new LJ name.
3 comments|post comment

[02 Mar 2018|02:30pm]
So, as of March 11th, I'm going to make a new Livejournal account, I need some ideas for names.
So far I'm thinking:
Less_than_zero
x_unbreakable
ex_girlscout
lithium_poptarts
brutaly_unshamed
Lies_and_life
not_alone
hold_me
crush_
__xo143
_____Heart
Heart_on_sleeve
Bright_sky
Somthing like that?
Any ideas... vote.
Thank you.
8 comments|post comment

[01 Mar 2018|06:52pm]
Well.. to start off, today I got an 85 on my spanish midterm. I hate the new teacher, she has exsima on her hands and it's...just ew. She does the peice sign when she wants us to be quiet, I was like, um, fuck no?

So. Today.. I made the first page to the "Ireland site" check it out.. here. I could really use some donations guys, and I will do somthing in return, I dont think I'm going to get to do the before and after thing because I need the money now. Do you know what it's like to have to buy 15 pairs of chucks? I know that Shayne, Latashia & Someone else are paying for themselves, but seriously man.. still alotta money. Anyway. Well so basically once I get that money I'm good, so far I got all the people to bring in 10 bucks, & my 165, Alex's 150?... so thats like...350 bucks. I think we're going to do some fund raisers, and my dad can give some money to. So yeah, that's my story.

Okay, so anyway. Language arts was fun. I want that dress that louisa is getting, I'm going to fucking steal it if I have to. It's so pretty. Omfg I really want it. Yeah, nothing really else to say.
4 comments|post comment

[  |:]
hey guys, I really need you to do me a huge favor, please.

Can you go to Rate_my_lj and apply there, please, I really need this from you. After you get rated, in return, I will pay you, or make you a layout.

Your layout doesnt have to be good or bad.. please please. I will love you all forever.

Just like my screen name says.
1 comment|post comment

[10 Mar 2017|03:28pm]
I'm now making layouts, for anyone, if you provide a basic "this-is-what-I-want" I will do it.

I need as many people as possible, because I'm going to make a website soon, that will charge people for layouts, so I can show them some before & after pics.

I'll make the grpahic, and stuff, and w.e, if you give me the guidlines.

Thank you.
4 comments|post comment

[10 Mar 2017|01:39pm]
My sister is behind me singing badly in french. I will murder her.

Okay so I just got back from town, it was my only get-out-of-jail-free card, lol, okay so Kit Alex & Alex were making a documentary on food, lol it's really funny. I think that they're editing it, I hope they put it on the internet. I'm on ly in the second part, at the tree & bricks, lol so funny though. I think Kit is officially the funniest person I know. When Alex (V.) called her dad to tell him where she was she was like "I'm here with Alex Kit & Kat." Yeah, I thought that was funny. Okay so my next door neighbots are stalking me. It's quite, disturbing. My next door neighbors on the right side love to play super-hero with me, and it's really funny, because they're like, you're the only girl that loves to play super hero's. I can't wait to babysit them again, then my next door neighbor on the left, Favianna, she loves hanging out with me, she's in 2nd grade, and she always comes to my door like "Katharine come play with me!!" she's cute but yeah.. lol.

Okay I'm listening to the techno version of eminem, it's really funny. Only in the Kinkead family.
<lj-cut text="there's no comment links..so, click here I guess?>
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[10 Mar 2017|09:07am]
Listen to me. I'm speaking my mind. If you like how it goes. Listen.

I want you to know, that I'm saying goodbye.

I had this dream last night. He was in it. God, well... what happened was that I was looking out of my window late at night, and I saw him, in front of my house.. crying. Admitting what he did was wrong, then, he came in, up to my room, and told me that everything he said about him caring about me that day, was true, but he was wrong to do what he did. He picked me up, and kissed me, and I just felt... at home. He went up my shirt, but, instead of what most people would think would happen, he ripped out my heart. I fell down, out of his arm.. and he just got farther and farther, and my tears turned into rain. Suddenley, I was in the middle of a highway, it was raining, and I was crying, looking around.. for one of the cars to stop, and pick me up and help me. They all just kept going. I layed there for hours, until *prince charming* came and picked me up, and told me that he loved me, and I told him that he didn't. That even if he did, I could never love him back.. because I will just get hurt if I ever love again. I had promised myself, never to trust again, and every time I did... I would beat myself up for it. I want to be forgiven, I want to hold your hand again. To be forgiven, I would have to hold myself, back.

I did all my work this weekend, everything, I started talking about how.. I thought some things were so wrong, then my mother turned at me and told me how, I was making sense, and she never knew how smart I was, and my outlooks on things. Maybe, that says somthing, maybe I am smart? Maybe I do have a serious side.. but I also know how to have fun.

That dream scared the crap out of me... but I woke up, happy, in a feeling of comfort. I wasn't sad anymore.I was just, happy, again, somthing that I haven't been in a while. Maybe, I'm changing, to a more, me.

I like this feeling. It's diffrent.
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[28 Feb 2017|03:15pm]
HERE.Collapse )
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[28 Feb 2017|01:57pm]
My mom is sitting here telling me how I should "get a life" because my life can't revolve around one thing * aka the computer *, so I tell her, that the computer, isn't only one thing, it's one thing with a bunch of diffrent things put into it. Like life. That's like telling me life can't revolve around life.

She is always telling me how I should take up a hobby. The other day, she told me to get the hell of the computer because it's sickening how much I'm on it. I told her it was the only thing that I'm good at and it was my escape from how I can't do anything right, and that when everyone else lets me down.. the computer is there. It always have been. I know this might sound weird to some of you. But it's like my escape. Imagine somthing you love, that if someone took it away from you. She tells me that all I do is mess up and that it's the computers fault. I really hate that. The way that when I try to show her somthing cool I make... she just says "if only you would focus on your school work as much as that.. " can't she just appreciate that I do have somthing I'm good at?

Ah, if only she knew. If only she knew.

Every week we get into some sort of fight.

Mostly about the computer. She told me she would take a baseball bat to it... if I didn't do anything else.

Can't she just understand?

It's the one and only thing I'm good at.
15 comments|post comment

[28 Feb 2017|12:56pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm in a horrible mood.

I got yelled at for drinking to loudly, when the fuck will people understand I can't fucking help it. My mom was telling me how I just drink like that because I want attention, god I hate it when people do that. Seriously, mom get it through, I wasn't drinking loudly for attention, I can't help it. WHY WOULD I WANT ATTENTION FROM YOU OFF ALL PEOPLE.

ugh. Just, fucking ugh.

4 comments|post comment

[27 Feb 2017|08:26pm]
[ mood | normal ]

I just got hit with this feeling that I'm going to be sick. I mean like really sick.

I haven't written about anything that I have actually felt in my livejournal. Well now I am going to.

Everytime I cry, I just blurt out the words "I want to go home" even when I am home, except latley, at school, and most of the places around me; I've had this weird feeling of discomfort everywhere I am, I get like constant head aches, and stomach aches, I just don't really say it. I mean I go to the nurse but it's been going on for so long it starts to feel like an everyday. Just I want to go home. I don't know where home is. I want home. Ugh, I can't seem to find it.

I remember this one time, I felt at home for the first time, and I was really happy, god was that the best feeling in the world.. but, that's another story.

The other night, something really scary happened, it was before Ariel slept over, like 2 Tuesdays ago, and I started screaming "HELP ME" in the middle of the night, and I woke up screaming it, and I just hate the feeling that everywhere I am.. I'm not home. It's really the weirdest feeling.

Am I sick?

I am constentley giving my mother hugs, just because I hate how I feel... constentley, I mean I seriously never feel well but it's just become so normal of a feeling to me, I always have headaches, stomach aches, I just ignore it like it's not there. Just like somthing isn't right. I don't know what it is. I can't wait to go to Florida with Alex. Dear god, it will be so great just to get away in the warm sky, by the pool... oh yes. That will be the day. God I can't wait.

I will just be so, at home. I think. My mom the other day was talking about sending me for the rest of 8th grade in Florida, I said yes, then she told me she was joking, and since then I've been dreaming about it. I really hate this feeling.

I want it to go away. To dissapear, and to just... not be.

It's like, when I was in 1st grade, I was a carrier of strep throat, and my throat always hurt, but it became so accustome to me.. I thought it was normal, and I just never knew that I had strep throat, but everyone around me would get it. I remember sitting at the nurses office at Bradford, telling her that my throat hurt... then I looked up, and tried to remember when it didn't hurt. I didn't mention anything to her, because she would think that I am lying to go home. When really. It hurt.

Is there anytime?

The other day at counseling, I kept talking about stuff.. about the future, and he was telling me that I think of the end close. As if I don't have enough time to do anything that I want to do... so I rush myself to do everything...I told him how, if Im walking home and I want to step on somthing, then I don't.. I will turn around to step on it, because I know that I may never get this chance again. I told him how I always do stuff, just to say I did it, and so that I know that I accomplished somthing because what if I never get another chance... he told me that I must think that the end is near... and I thought about it.. and I do, I really don't think, I have enough time to do everything I want to do, so I'm rushing myself, and leaving everything else behind.

I always make people say what they are going to say, because for some reason I feel like it might be the last thing they ever say to me. I don't know. I guess I'm a freak. He told me that I think that everything that there is not enough time. I told him life is short... right? and he said yes. Okay... fine. Life is short, but it's too short. I don't know why but I have this odd... feeling... that it's going to be cut short for me... while at the same time, I feel like I'm just kidding myself.

I love the song "Numb" by Linkin Park... because I feel like it's how I feel, I've become numb to most of the things around me.. because I know what can be worse, so little things.. just don't hurt.

Okay so I was just listening to Cry by mandy moore, and it's how I feel about, well, the unnamed, its-not-me.

I wish people could understand me better... just to get me. Me. Me. Wow, what I consieded word.

I want to cry.
No I don't.

I want to smile, and be happy, but I also, want the unnamed its-not-me.
We can't have everything we want... can we?

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