I just got hit with this feeling that I'm going to be sick. I mean like really sick.
I haven't written about anything that I have actually felt in my livejournal. Well now I am going to.
Everytime I cry, I just blurt out the words "I want to go home" even when I am home, except latley, at school, and most of the places around me; I've had this weird feeling of discomfort everywhere I am, I get like constant head aches, and stomach aches, I just don't really say it. I mean I go to the nurse but it's been going on for so long it starts to feel like an everyday. Just I want to go home. I don't know where home is. I want home. Ugh, I can't seem to find it.
I remember this one time, I felt at home for the first time, and I was really happy, god was that the best feeling in the world.. but, that's another story.
The other night, something really scary happened, it was before Ariel slept over, like 2 Tuesdays ago, and I started screaming "HELP ME" in the middle of the night, and I woke up screaming it, and I just hate the feeling that everywhere I am.. I'm not home. It's really the weirdest feeling.
Am I sick?
I am constentley giving my mother hugs, just because I hate how I feel... constentley, I mean I seriously never feel well but it's just become so normal of a feeling to me, I always have headaches, stomach aches, I just ignore it like it's not there. Just like somthing isn't right. I don't know what it is. I can't wait to go to Florida with Alex. Dear god, it will be so great just to get away in the warm sky, by the pool... oh yes. That will be the day. God I can't wait.
I will just be so, at home. I think. My mom the other day was talking about sending me for the rest of 8th grade in Florida, I said yes, then she told me she was joking, and since then I've been dreaming about it. I really hate this feeling.
I want it to go away. To dissapear, and to just... not be.
It's like, when I was in 1st grade, I was a carrier of strep throat, and my throat always hurt, but it became so accustome to me.. I thought it was normal, and I just never knew that I had strep throat, but everyone around me would get it. I remember sitting at the nurses office at Bradford, telling her that my throat hurt... then I looked up, and tried to remember when it didn't hurt. I didn't mention anything to her, because she would think that I am lying to go home. When really. It hurt.
Is there anytime?
The other day at counseling, I kept talking about stuff.. about the future, and he was telling me that I think of the end close. As if I don't have enough time to do anything that I want to do... so I rush myself to do everything...I told him how, if Im walking home and I want to step on somthing, then I don't.. I will turn around to step on it, because I know that I may never get this chance again. I told him how I always do stuff, just to say I did it, and so that I know that I accomplished somthing because what if I never get another chance... he told me that I must think that the end is near... and I thought about it.. and I do, I really don't think, I have enough time to do everything I want to do, so I'm rushing myself, and leaving everything else behind.
I always make people say what they are going to say, because for some reason I feel like it might be the last thing they ever say to me. I don't know. I guess I'm a freak. He told me that I think that everything that there is not enough time. I told him life is short... right? and he said yes. Okay... fine. Life is short, but it's too short. I don't know why but I have this odd... feeling... that it's going to be cut short for me... while at the same time, I feel like I'm just kidding myself.
I love the song "Numb" by Linkin Park... because I feel like it's how I feel, I've become numb to most of the things around me.. because I know what can be worse, so little things.. just don't hurt.
Okay so I was just listening to Cry by mandy moore, and it's how I feel about, well, the unnamed, its-not-me.
I wish people could understand me better... just to get me. Me. Me. Wow, what I consieded word.
I want to cry.
No I don't.
I want to smile, and be happy, but I also, want the unnamed its-not-me.
We can't have everything we want... can we?